Homecomings…

Coming back to London and my sending church after a term away was a strange experience.

On the one hand everything is very familiar and I all too easily fall back into the old familiar routine and found myself filling in as sidesman, selling cookery books and generally being treated as one of the locals…. And yet there is also the sense that I am not really part of it any more, there are unfamiliar strands of conversations continued on from the weeks that I wasn’t there, new faces in the back row and the surreal experience of visiting the houses of friends and seeing my ex-possessions in new places…

But for all the surealness it was good to go back – to find some sense of the comfortable past among the myriad of the new… and not least to see my gorgeous Julia and know that she has really settled in her new home – a heaven on earth where she can sit above a warm radiator and stare out of the window at the same time – life is so full of simple pleasures when you are a cat….

Topsy Turvey Advent…

Apologies folks for the interruption in your blogging service from up here is chilly Cambridge. I had some serious procrastination to do which was rather time consuming :o)

The good news is that 1 essay is now handed in, I am well on my way with research for the second and I am trying to ignore the third for the moment as it’s really hard! Given that the hand in deadline is still 3.5 weeks away I don’t think, given my Phd level procrastination skills, that’s too bad?! And at least as part of the procrastination I have completed all my Christmas shopping which is a record for me so early in the season…

The last few weeks have been rather liturgically strange. As college terms finish so early we began our Christmas celebrations prior to advent Sunday with a mulled wine and carol singing evening. … I tried not to squirm in church on the advent Sunday following when the preacher was quite firm in his conviction that there should be nothing Christmas in Advent, though I have to say I thought the stern words about simplicity and the church being stripped of its decorations until Christmas eve were somewhat diluted by being given by someone dressed in the most sumptuous purple advent robes I have ever seen!

Things got even more muddled on the following Thursday when we had our last college worship of the term which included both Christmas carols and advent antiphons as well as the gospel choir and a robed church choir performing very different styles of music at various times. This was followed by the lavish Christmas banquet, in the magnificently decorated dining hall (complete with 7 foot glowing santa!)

So I have decided there is nothing for it but to say to heck with the liturgical year and declare Christmas well and truly started – Merry Christmas everyone!

Narrative Preaching...

We have been looking at how to preach in one of my classes and this week we looked at how to preach a narrative sermon. Though these are not something you can do all the time, occasionally turning the message into a story can be a really effective way of getting the message across, especially at Christmas and Easter when you may well be treading a well worn path of readings that everyone has heard many times before. I have never done a sermon in this way before as quite frankly there were some absolute masters of this form of preaching in my sending church and I would never have dared to put myself within range of comparison. With this in mind I rather panicked when we were sent away with a bible passage and 20 minutes to put together a sermon. But you know, it was rather fun and my fellow classmates came back with some absolutely stunning work. Mine was less so but nevertheless for a first attempt I was quite pleased. You can judge for yourself below….

Matthew 28:1-10

I go down to the graveyard ever week. I wish I could go more often but there is just no time. I seem to be endlessly busy trying to make ends meet these days. It’s been 9 months since my Joseph died – 9 months I can’t believe it’s been so long. It still feels like it happened just yesterday,

It was different going there today, well for a start there were the guards. Guards, I ask you! Did they think anyone was going to escape from there? “We’re guarding the tomb of Jesus” they said, “There are rumours people are going to steal the body” they said. They were all set on keeping me out but there was no way that was going to happen! That preacher Jesus had already prevented me from coming to see Joseph last week, I couldn’t get through the city the crowds were so big. Well he was not stopping me again, I just pushed my way through, the guards didn’t stop me.

I had been there awhile , just chatting away as you do. Not talking about anything in particular. Joseph always used to say I rabbited on to much, he would laugh that I still am doing it…still he has an excuse not to listen now.

Anyway I had been there awhile when I became aware of a group of women who had come in. It was hard not to be aware to be honest, they were wailing and sobbing so much, holding each other up as if they would collapse any minute. They must have lost someone very recently. I know that kind of grief, so raw its as if you can’t breath, so fresh that the world has ceased to make sense.

Well I was watching them, remembering what that was like, re-living a little the days after we buried Joseph and then – you will never believe it, there was this massive earthquake, here in Jerusalem! The ground was shaking every which way I though the tombs themselves where going to collapse and yet in the middle of this came a man, calm as anything, and rolled the stone away from in front of a tomb. I say a man but I am not sure. I couldn’t look at him properly because he was so bright, the light poured out of him. I know it sounds stupid but its what happened. The guards where terrified I can tell you. They think they are such big men but they were crying out for their mums I can tell you!

The women though, they had stopped wailing and were standing there enraptured, the man was talking to them. I strained to hear, I thought I had misheard. Jesus wasn’t dead, he was alive. How could that be! I had seen him die, most of Jerusalem had seen him die, his body beaten and bloodied taken away. No one could have survived that, could they?

The women ran off so quick as the message ended, they dropped the herbs and bundles they had been carrying. As they ran though they stopped short for there on the path ahead of them stood a man, a man who greeted them. It couldn’t be, could it? That voice, that face, it can’t be! I saw him die!

The women knew though, they fell at his feet, clutching at him. They knew… I then I knew. “Don’t be afraid” he said and you know something I wasn’t. For the first time in 9 months I was without fear. Jesus wasn’t the only one to come to new life that day. I realised truly for the first time that death is not the end, just a point on the continuing journey.

I had new life that day – do you?

quirky...

I was browsing photo sites on the web and came across this photo...

Something about it really appealed to me. I think it’s the sheer quirkiness of it, it looks so innocuous and yet when you really look at it and read it its bizarrely strange.
Also in the bizarrely strange category I also came across a wonderful series of photographs at by Julia Fullerton-Batten here

She has created some startling images by placing young models against a backdrop of miniature villages. The oddness of relationship between the people and the buildings is really accentuated when the relative sizes are reversed. I think its definitely worth a look.

Me church...

In today’s consumer based society is this reality far away??

best blog?

Its official I have found the bestest blog in the entire world here at to-do list blog.com. Yes its an entire blog about to-do lists, and there has even been a companion book published :o)

Now anyone that knows me knows I love to-do lists and usually have several on the go at once. Currently I have 3 (well 4 if you count my Christmas present list, to which the to-do list book has just been added!) My general things that need doing list , my things that need doing pretty soon list and the scrap of paper that constitutes the mega urgent, must get done today list… which does not of course have blogging about to-do lists on it – ho hum.

But seriously have a look at the blog its great (but remember to add it to your to-do list first!)

Global Poverty Prayer Week

As part of Morning Prayer this morning we were shown Tear Fund's prayer film which they have made to highlight Global poverty prayer week. It can be seen on their website here.

I found it really moving, thought provoking and was a good reminder that when we feel hopeless in the face of so much global need we always have the power of prayer. It ended with that wonderful quote from St Augustine…

“Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”

Amen!

Identity

On Mondays and Fridays we have Morning Prayer in staircase fellowship groups rather then as a whole college in chapel. Monday’s prayers were led by K from our staircase who, through the use of music and reflection, enabled us to spend time thinking about who we are and how much of that identity is found in Christ. As part of the reflections we were each asked to bring an object that represents us and to say a little about why they had brought it and why it was important to their identity. After much debating I decided to take my cross necklace and being a good Anglican I had three reasons why!

1) It was given to me by my paternal grandfather at my confirmation and my name and the date are engraved on the back. My family is really important to me, both my current family but also the many generations before me. Up until a few generations ago my paternal family had all lived in the same village for hundreds of years. I have been thinking for a while about the importance there is in being known, really known, by other people and the value that we can gain from that. My family’s longevity in the village would have given them such a strong sense of who they were and where they belonged in a way that’s almost unimaginable in the modern world where we all move so much… and yet as Christians I think that we can have that sense as well. My cross reminds me that I am known by God more deeply and truly then I even know myself and that he calls me by name, the name that is engraved on his cross just as it is on mine….

2) That its worthless but means so much to me… My cross was probably bought for a tenner back in 1981 and is probably not even worth that now, but its one of my most precious possessions. This is a constant reminder to me that even though I am worth little in the global scheme of things I am incredibly and infinitely precious to God. It helps me to always remember that no matter what lack of value we place on ourselves or the world places on us we are loved by God as if we were the only one to be loved.

3) It’s incredibly fragile looking but is surprisingly strong. For many years I was reluctant to wear my cross as it’s very delicate on a thin chain and I was worried about breaking it or loosing it. As an adult I decided that this was silly as it was bought to be worn and I started to wear it and now wear it most days. Its been through a lot with me, travelled all over and put up with some rough handling and yet its still there, a few knots in the chain maybe and a bit worn around the edges but essentially still the same cross as it was all those years ago. Again this reminds me that no matter how fragile I feel, and there are some days when I feel like a thin piece of glass that can’t possibly make it through in one piece, that with Gods help even the most fragile things can be strong and can and will survive.

So that’s my object, anyone care to share theirs?

Celebrations

Its been a weekend of celebrations and congratulations here in the community

First up was S from our staircase who celebrated two years of hard work by attending his BTh graduation ceremony on Saturday. He looked very spiffing in white tie and fur trimmed robes and I was a little jealous that ARU have nothing so posh – well that was until I read the regulations for the ceremony he posted on his blog – bizarre doesn’t even begin to cover it!

Second up was the wonderful news that one of the ordinands S, has become engaged to the lovely J. I was just about to go to bed on Saturday night when I heard an absolute racket outside my window. The sound of popping corks led me to go down and investigate where we heard the good news from the couple who had just come back to college after a celebration dinner. Once again I felt so blessed to be a part of this community. There was such a sense of genuinely shared joy, as more and more people came out to celebrate in the freezing cold. The champagne glasses were passed around, the chapel bell ended up being rung and the wedding march was heartily played on the chapel organ (apologies to all local residents for the lateness of the hour!). I do think the two people doing handstands in the organ loft may have been taking the celebrations a little far though…

Clarification

Following some comments I have been sent on my last posting I feel I need a few points of clarification…..

No the falling off my bike was not related in any way to the wine tasting… hic!

And its been commented that I seem to be rather over proud of my pink Minnie Mouse bell. Well I don’t see it as over proud rather as justifiably proud because it’s a fantastic bell … See for yourself if you don’t believe me…

Feeling “proper” Cambridge…Part Deux.

Well I have been cycling round Cambridge for a few weeks now and I am actually really enjoying it! This is somewhat surprising to me as I like walking and so thought I would be a confirmed pedestrian. Its so great being able to get places so quick as walking everywhere, even in a city the size of Cambridge, eats into your day. I was somewhat nervous as I haven’t ridden from years and so set out with some trepidation on my first ride. But its amazing how quickly the old skills come back its like…. well it’s like riding a bike to be frank, you really don’t forget :o)

Funnily enough I thought it would be the cars and lorries that would worry me when riding around the narrow streets but I rapidly realised that they were not the problem. The real problem is the, quite frankly, suicidal pedestrians that appear to be infesting the city. You would think that in a city that probably has more bikes per head of population then anywhere outside of China people would expect that the odd bike might be passing by, but oh no, the roads belong to them alone. Ok the best angle for taking a photo of Kings college chapel may be in the middle of the Kings parade road but its really not a great idea for the whole coach load of Japanese tourists to take the picture at the same time! As for the young students who step out whilst staring at the screen adjusting their ipods, you would think that since they can’t hear anything that it would therefore be wise to look! But oh no….. Most of the time you can see them doing this in enough time to take evasive action but sometimes it happens so swiftly there isn’t even time to ring my lovely pink Minnie mouse bell. At these times a loud OI has to suffice (and occasionally another word or two that are probably not suitable for an ordinand :o) I haven’t hit anyone… yet, but I sense its only a matter of time!

What I have done though is perform that rite of passage known as falling off for the first time. I wish that I could say that it was the result of some amazing near miss or other daring do but sadly not. I pulled up at a red light and decided to get off my bike to push it across the pedestrian crossing (I am still working my way up to crossing the really big junctions on the bike) got my foot tangled in the bike lock which was attached to the frame and topped over into a heap on the pavement with the bike on top of me. My ego was more sorely bruised then my knee and I dread to think what the line of car driver must have thought because it was ridiculously silly. A very nice lady rushed over to check I was ok with her small child in tow. The look on his face was priceless – there was this look of “what are you doing? I am five and I can ride a bike better then that!”

Ho hum, hopefully I will say upright from now on…

Wine Tasting

The other day our ever hardworking and lovely social deacons organised a wine tasting in college. Now I know that I risk you thinking, even more than you probably already do, that being an ordinand is not hard work but it is really… well some of the time ;o)

After a short intro on how to taste the wine –thankfully we decided to forgo the spitting! – we began with an 2002 English sparkling brut from a fairly local winery Chilford Hall. Now I am rather a fan of Champagne (and those wines that are Champagne but can’t be called that because of geographical protection rules) but I wasn’t blown away by this, it wasn’t very varied and had rather a chemical after taste. At £15.99 I would have expected more – but as someone said for an English vineyard not a bad effort. We then moved onto a 2006 Chablis by William Fevre. This was rather nice, simple and uncomplicated, probably wouldn’t hold its own at a meal but pleasant enough for drinking at a party, though at £13.75 you would have to be a fairly generous host! We then moved onto to a 2006 Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc from Tarras Vineyards. Folks this was absolutely scrummy and I heartily recommend getting some in. At £12.99 not to cheap but it was rich and fruity with lots of layers of flavour. It was definitely one of the most widely favoured wines of the evening.

We then moved on to some reds starting with a 2005 Bordeaux by Chateau Laussac. This was a lovely light wine, dry and sharp, with a lovely oakey smell. Some found the aftertaste a little sour but I didn’t think it was particularly, At £5.99 quite reasonably priced. Getting a little heavier we moved onto a 2005 Beaune du Chateau 1er Crus by Brouchard Pere & Fils . It was certainly full bodied but I don’t think it lived up to its £17.50 price tag. Somebody described the smell of it as wet ashtrays…. Which I think is a comment worthy of the great Jilly Goulden..

Finally for dessert we had a 5 year old finest full rich Madeira by Henriques & Henriques which was absolutely delicious. I am not normally a fan of fortified wines (the Eucharist aside of course!) but this was lovely warm and rich, reminiscent of Christmas puddings and cinnamon sticks. At £9 well worth adding to the Christmas Shopping list.

It was the first time I had done a formal wine tasting and I was surprised by how much fun it was. I actually learned quite a lot – but sadly on a ministry division grant I doubt I will have much opportunity to use it for purchasing…. But if I did I would definitely use the final tip of the evening which was that 2005 was a good year for European Reds and 2006 has been the best year for European whites for a long time. Apparently if you have the money, space and patience its well worth buying some 2006 Chablis and White Burgundy and tucking them away for a few years.

Happy drinking!

In all seriousness…

What is most wonderful and holy about being at theological college is the utter seriousness, respect and worshipfulness with which all tasks are done. Even the simple act of preparing a meal is an opportunity to display the quiet and reverential nature needed in all clergy. This is so ably demonstrated by my fellow students here… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDoV0zCFHwU

Simeon Centre.

I was privileged to attend the launch of the Simeon centre for prayer and spiritual life on Wednesday. This is an amazing venture; one that I think has the potential to be a rich and valuable resource both for the church and for the wider world. The Centre’s director, Adrian Chatfield, gave a fantastic inaugural address which sets out the aims of the centre and I recommend taking a look at it. The text and audio are online at http://www.ridley.cam.ac.uk/scnews.html

Its funny isn’t it how sometimes when something comes along you think why has someone not thought of this before? Prayer is so central to all we are and do as Christians and yet it’s something that is on the whole not well resourced or supported. Like money and politics, prayer is something that rarely gets talked about in polite company. This leads to what I believe is an all to common situation, that we feel totally inadequate in our own prayer lives and at the same time think that everyone else has the most amazingly rich and fruitful prayer life.
This has been really highlighted to me in the last few months. When filling in the application form for vicar training there was a question that said “Describe your pattern of individual and corporate prayer” followed by a nice big box that indicated quite clearly that not only were you supposed to have an established pattern but that it was to be a pretty extensive one! More than any other this was the question that my friends were interested in my answer to, it was as if they hoped I had the magic solution. Similarly when I came to college we had a session on prayer and we were encouraged to share our prayer experiences. Interestingly we all had hang ups and areas where we thought we weren’t doing it well enough. So if you are struggling with prayer please feel encouraged that whatever you feel like there is every chance that others around you feel the same. So please join with us in praying for the Simeon centre, that it may become a real source of hope and encouragement to ordinary people like you and me…

Heavenly Father
we give to you the life and work
of The Simeon Centre.
We pray that, by the guiding
of your Holy Spirit
it may become a channel
of your grace,
stirring up the desire to pray,
encouraging, sustaining
and refreshing
all who come to deepen
their love for you
and to follow your Son,
Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen

Prison visiting…

As part of our training we have to complete a Social Context Placement, (SCP for short). The aim of these is to gain experience of chaplaincy work in various secular environments. My college offers a huge range of opportunities for placements in various healthcare settings, bereavement counselling, schools and universities, the armed forces, prisons and even Waitrose (sadly no discount card available with the placement :o( so the choice was tough. In the end I managed to get my choice down to either the armed forces or prison chaplaincy, with prison as my first choice. I assume you can guess from the title which I got assigned to! I am in equal parts excited and terrified but fortunately the time we spend in the prison won’t be until next year so I have time to get used to the idea. In the meantime we will be having a series of seminars on justice issues and a visit to the local courts to see the process that leads up to sentencing. So all in all it should be an amazing learning opportunity.

An unexpected consequence of this placement was having to send my passport for renewal this morning. (Because I need to show the passport I will use to access the prison at a seminar in 2 weeks and my current passport will run out before the placement takes place in case you were wondering…) So I have had to face the trauma of getting the passport photo this morning. Now photo booth photos are dire at the best of times but even more so when you know you are going to have to live with the results for the next 10 years! My usual trick of scanning them my computer and digitally “tidying them up” ie removing the dark circles under the eyes, removing one or two of the chins that sort of the thing! was not an option because of time and so I found one of those booths where you can have 3 attempts at the shot and uttering a short prayer sat down to try and make sense of the new instructions for passport photos. I have now realised why people look like startled rabbits on their passport photos, it’s the combinations of making sure you are the correct height and distance from the camera, don’t have hair over your ears, mouth closed, eyes open, sitting straight etc etc… that means your brain is fully occupied on anything but looking relaxed :O)

Well my first attempt flashed up with a large red warning saying not passport compliant, I had obviously transgressed one of the above rules but who the heck knows which one. The second shot was ok-ish but a bit lopsided and the third, well the less said about that the better – but think lunatic escaped from an asylum and you wouldn’t be far off… So after three attempts you see all the shots and are politely invited to choose one for printing or insert another £4 to try again. I have to say I do love English politeness… in reality the message should say something along the lines of “OK, this is what your face looks like. This is a photo booth not a plastic surgery clinic you are never going to look like Claudia Schiffer, get over it already and pick a photo!”

So hopefully in 2 weeks time I should be in possession of a new passport with a somewhat lopsided picture in it, what joy!

Word fail me….

...they really and truly do… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeloN23PRrc

Community…

Its funny how those things you dread often turn out to be actually rather good….

A case in point is coming to live at college. After many years of living on my own, in my own home I was really not looking forwarded to living with a load of strangers, sharing bathrooms, having little private space and no control over even the most fundamental things such as what time to eat meals and yet…

…those strangers are rapidly becoming friends, I realise what a gift it is not to have to worry about preparing food and the shower is amazingly usually free when I want to use it :o) Most of all though I realise that privacy can be found even in the most public places, that it’s a state of mind rather more than a physical location. And you know what, sitting in the common room on Saturday night with several bottles of wine, sharing the agony and the ecstasy of the England game with a motley collection of staff and students, I realised for the first time that there was no where else I would rather be. That’s not to say I don’t miss friends, miss my home and my familiar routines, of course I do, but I am supported and maintained by a loving community who understand that because they are going through it as well.

We talk so often of the grace of God that it can sometime feel like a throwaway remark and yet Saturday night was a powerful reminder to me how much I live in this grace. For so long I was so reluctant to pursue this path, I fought God tooth and nail over it and yet the tenderness with which he has placed me here and maintains me here is breathtaking. There is no sense of recrimination, no sense of “you should have been doing this years ago” rather there is a sense of a door drawn open, a warm welcome awaiting all who venture through the door.

So when I start moaning about wanting access to a decent washing machine, lack of cupboard space in the kitchen or the person upstairs stomping about late at night can someone remind me just how blessed I am to be living here, because I never want to lose sight of that...

wee mee.....

... which I created because I didn't want to put a real picture on my blog.
I posted it only because it was the only way to get the photo in the profile and was intending to delete this post once that was done, but I rather like my wee mee and so I am going to leave it....

And now I really must stop procrastinating and get on with reading the commentary on Isaiah.... but, hark is that the lunch bell - excellent more displacement activity :o)

Feeling “proper” Cambridge…

… Which has come about because I am the proud new owner of a very clapped out bike! My college were selling off old bikes for charity and I managed to acquire one for the princely sum of £30 which given it has no brakes, a flat tyre and a rusty chain I felt was a bargain! To be fair all this is going to be fixed before I part with my hard earned cash… I had a rather girly moment when I was asked which of the bikes I was interested in and I said the purple one – well I think colour is a perfectly good reason to choose such things on. Sadly the only bike that was low enough for me to get my leg over (insert your own smutty comments here…) was a plain black mountain bike but I have managed to get a girly touch in by purchasing a Minnie mouse bell for it :o) Actually this was the irony of the whole thing. The bike may have been only £30 but the basic accessories such as helmet, chain, bell and lights cost £70. Still at least that means I will have an incentive to ride it if only not to feel I have wasted my money. That and the fact that on Wednesday mornings I have the sum total of 20 minutes to get from an Old Testament Seminar on one side of Cambridge to an Ethics lecture on the other side of Cambridge… maybe they should put that on the recruitment posters…. “Forget the gym, become an ordinand and get that six pack you have always wanted”!

Friday...

I have to say this is deeply unimpressive. It’s only my third post and I am already lagging behind…

Fridays is one of the days that we meet in fellowship groups for Morning Prayer rather then in chapel. So there we all were sitting down with our common worships ready to begin when one of the staircase stewards announces that we are going to go and pray for all our rooms, in each room, instead of Morning Prayer. Somewhat of a surprise for us newbies I can tell you.

While on the one hand I think this is a lovely idea and it was fantastic to have a group of people praying a blessing on my room and the work I shall do there I have to say the less spiritual/more practical side of me immediately went into panic mode trying to frantically think if there were dirty washing scattered on the floor or if the bed was made. Fortunately I had actually tidied up the night before (a word of prophecy perhaps!) so it wasn’t too embarrassing!

Immediately after that we had the second of our “foundation lectures” which is a series of college lectures to get us into the swing of studying before the academic term starts. We had the most amazing talk on “The dynamics of Grace” which was really inspirational and the one and half hours flew by. What’s so lovely here is that we start the lectures with prayer and end in worship, somewhat different from my last college experience! but so affirming. I am not sure the librarian is so keen however as the main lecture hall is below the library and we apparently can get a little too loud with the singing – oops.

I barely had time to catch breath before I went along to look at a church where I may do my attachment. I had said that I would be interested in being attached to an anglo-catholic church as pretty much all my church experience has been in the evangelical wing of the church and boy did they take me at my word. I went to “low mass” but even this involved processions, server, tinkling bells and lots of bowing. Most disconcerting of all was the fact that the priest has is back to the congregation almost the entire time. I can’t wait for Sunday for the full on “High mass experience” ! I am really exited about being attached to this church because there is so much to learn and I think the priest will be a great person to learn from. He seemed really open and welcoming and not at all phased that a random evangelical ordinand had turned up out of the blue :O)

Now where did I put that thurible…

View

Well my living accommodation may have shrunk to one room but I have to say its got one of the best views I have ever had...

So why fuzzy edges?

Well partly because Mary suggested it and she is much cleverer then I being “proper” Oxbridge rather then my pale Anglia Ruskin imitation but mainly because I think its a good expression of me and my thinking.

I am passionate about creating fuzzy edges in the church, blurring the boundaries between the church and the world to such an extent that it’s not possible to say where one starts and the other stops, indeed it could be argued that neither should stop but that they should continually flow back and forth into each other, enriching both.

Latterly I have also been feeling that I have had my own personal fuzzy edges as gradually I disentangled myself from every bit of the life I knew to start again at theological college. Doing this has made me realise how much I defined myself by what I did rather then what I was. I was a librarian, Reader, brownie leader, daughter, sister, friend… I knew how to be these things, knew what kind of person I was doing them. Now, sitting here, surrounded by boxes and strangers I realise I have no idea who I am anymore, and that’s pretty surreal….
…but I also know that finding out is part of what the next two years of training are for. Lets hope I do.